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Nidan Essay by Mary Tesoro Aikido of San Luis Obispo |
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| Having absolutely NO idea what I was gettting into, I stepped onto the mat for the first time (silk blouse and all) in a small town in Florida. It was early 1983, and I was directed by my chemistry teacher to observe the Aikido class happening a short walk away. To my surprise, the instructor said, "don't just watch, get on the mat." So, there I was, in my ridiculous outfit, with all the people in white and black. Some part of me knew, even then, that this was something I would be doing for the rest of my life. What I didn't know was that it was something that was going to give me a lot of trouble. Like a magnet, the meaning and nuances of the art drew me in. And like a surgical instrument (which I sometimes mistake for the hatchet), Aikido has touched me in deep internal places that would otherwise have remained untouched. It is only in recent years that I have come to understand that, although I am bright in most things, and even somewhat athletic, I have a learning disability. In my more compassionate moments, I jokingly refer to myself as 'lost in space.' It's a brain thing. I do not see movements backwards. So, what does this have to do with this exam I have been putting off for so long and am doing at the worst possible time in my Aikido life? For me, it means drawing upon the principles of the art I so love - to practice courage and find the opening to move through what feels like overwhelming embarrassment, shame, and self-hatred. I think of the times I've heard, "Can Aikido beat Karate?" ... "What if you put Aikido against Boxing?" ... "Can Aikido beat Gracie?" (Can Aikido beat Godzilla?) For me, the big question is, "Can I use Aikido to do Aikido ... can I apply it to the most terrifying monster I could ever face - the opponent within?" I don't have the answer, but on the morn of my 'battle', I look to Kaeshi Waza principles. Doing Aikido out in the 'boonies', relying on visits to and from my teachers, using 'Sensei Video', 'Sensei Magazine,' and 'Sensei Book' - information comes sporadically rather than consistently. Like a monthly feast - compared to small meals every day - not all of the nutrients get absorbed. What IS laid on the table tends to take on great meaning. The words I quote from Doran Sensei were spoken in the context of physical techniques, and yet, for me at this time, they hold great meaning for working with the opponent within. The subjects referenced under the topics of Key, Essence, Riding, Dropping, Learning, and Practice refer to much more than countering a physical technique being applied by another person. For me, at this time, they speak to ways to work with the physiological responses that feel like attacks from my own body. Trying to smash through or attack back sometimes works on the small ones - but, as in Aikido - not on the BIG ones. Because this portion is personal (and might even seem ridiculous to someone not familiar with anxiety disorders) I have placed the Kaeshi Waza 'wisdoms' on a separate page. For support beyond what I could have ever expected, I thank Michael Friedl Sensei, Tom Elliott, Anette Schiferi, Bill and Linda McGouirk, and of course, my teacher, Frank Doran Sensei. |
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