Nidan Essay by
Jennifer Lawrence
Aikido of San Luis Obispo
The Test

Submitted November 18, 2001
Dedicated to all the light in my life.



I thought that I surely would die on that day.
What I knew was forever, had then gone away.

That sun I had known, and whose blaze had persisted,
Had set in a distance, no longer existed.

I was thrown into blackness uncertain and cold.
A perilous cavern, no life to behold.

I thought that by shutting my eyes ever tight,
The sleep would convince me that there was still light.

I hoped that in slumber I’d dream of a day
Where my heart didn’t bleed and my soul was not gray.



But with its cruel timing, Life laid other plans.
Without waiting for me it made its demands.

It forced me to stand when I slumped in my fears
And threw at me laughter as I drowned in my tears.

It called for expansion when I was too small.
And demanded my fullness when I’d nothing at all.

It obliged of me feelings when I became numb.
And impelled my endurance when I begged to succumb.



Defiant and mad that this test I must take,
I grudgingly, warily willed me awake.

I blinked in the shadowy world that was mine,
And I strained for my vision, direction, a sign.

At last I attempted my first cautious steps,
And I groped around blindly in uncertain depths.

I expected to fall, but only did stumble,
And gratefully bent when I feared I might crumble.

I remembered ukemi and a practiced technique.
It was strong to be patient and soft was not weak.

My body reacted, responses not planned.
Not needing my eye so aware of the hand.

Allowing my senses to liven again,
I began to remember my own pulse within.

I moved through my days with a clarity new,
Though the life I had cherished was fading from view.

With sunlight’s departure I turned to the stars,
I awed at their brilliance; they weren’t so afar!

Providing me light with their radiant smiles,
They guided me safely through treacherous miles.

The strength of their love never ceased to inspire,
And I warmed by the glow of those no more afire.



So today I will rise to hanmi if I fall.
I will summon up joy through the pain I recall.

I’ll strive for expansion if I start to contract.
And with all my weakness, keep structure intact.

I will go out and play with the stars that are there.
I will dance to the tune of the song that we share.

I may fracture a verse or I may skip a beat.
I may miss a step, or maybe repeat.



I may not be perfect, Life isn’t that way.
But I will not fail—no, I won’t die today.